(with apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)
I started taking Lithium just over a week ago, increasing the dose last Friday, and I’m sitting here wondering when, when, when it’s all going to kick in and I’m going to achieve, what that ad I saw in some American magazine promised me so many years ago – A Better Kind of Normal.
The slogan speaks to me in a million ways, not the least of which is this idea that “normal” is something completely different for everyone.
If I knew I could get “normal” would I grab it?
Let me define my depression. It’s not the sort of depression that used to get people locked up in padded cells in ye olden Victorian days, nor the sort for which people have (involuntary) ECT, nor the sort of mania that sees you buying a boat and a first class trip to London (that you can’t afford nor want) followed by a black crash.
I’m talking about the kind of depression where all of the above are possibilities but you’re just teetering on the edge – a cross between McMurphy and the Indian.
mcmurphy and the indian
I feel defined by depression and mania. You know, like Winona Ryder will always be defined by the Saks incident (even though in my eyes she will always be Veronica.
Winona BSI*
Winona ASI**
So what would happy look like? Would I be satisfied with normal?
There are a few questions I ask myself regularly:
1. Is there really something wrong with me? People tell me I’m fine. I seem normal. Did the doctor’s prognosis free me by giving the first 37 year of my life some sort of definition or did the definition create it? This is like that old chestnut: Is the table really there or is it only there because I say it is?
2. I’m a bit of a drama queen so perhaps I like the attention that depression affords me? Er, no.
3. Will this shit every go away? Well that would depend. And no. “It depends” is what I have to look forward to. Jeff and I were walking along Birrarung Marr recently and there was some music blaring from a bar. You could hear a bunch of people singing loudly with the song, whooping and generally having an ace time. I turned to Jeff and said: “You know, I just can’t imagine ever being that happy again.”
4. If I had a choice between living a long life with depression and living a short, medicated, life without depression, what would I choose?
I often wish that I had more mania than depression and that it was more like dementia than alzheimer’s.
Let me explain:
- Mania can be fun – unless you buy a boat and a first class trip to London (that you can’t afford, nor want). My mania causes me to sleep less, be creative, feel inspired, do tonnes of stuff and dream up lots of awesome ideas. Depression’s not fun.
- When you have dementia, you don’t realise you have dementia. When you have alzheimer’s, you have moments when you realise you have alzheimer’s. I don’t wish for either of these. I just wish that my depression was more like alzheimer’s.
And soemtimes I just wish that i could be locked in a room and didn’t have to wake up and wonder about things or figure out how to navigate my life. There’s so much pressure to show up. To be ok. To be nice. To turn it on and off, up and down. To go to work. To do the job. To get up and not waste time. And that way others could get on with things too.
In the meantime, I’ll settle with antidepressants and my new mood stabilisers that beg the question: what if my “stable mood” is bleak?
Whatever. I’m off to count my plastic bags.
* Before the Saks Incident
** After the Saks Incident
Monday, July 19th, 2010, 12:00 am | 
Betty babbles on, depression | 
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July 29, 2010 at 8:57 am
Hi, Betty. I’m 26, and I have suffered from depression since I was a kid. I really identify with many of your questions and concerns. Sometimes I wonder if I could even COPE with feeling normal, which I know sounds crazy in itself. I guess it shows how far depression can take you from that peaceful place — you begin to fear EVERYTHING. I struggle a lot with fatigue and am also pretty… well… irritable. I’m a writer, but I’m not sure that writing about it helps ? The most helpful thing I have found is trying not to think about the future obsessively and just concentrate on today and the next couple of days. I’ve also found that vitamin B12 injections help with the tiredness and cranky moods!
Best wishes, Amber.
I hope your lithium goes well. I know that medications can totally knock your body around, but you never know when you might find the right balance.
July 29, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Hi Amber, thanks for your comment. Well I’m three weeks in and so far so good. I’m feeling really well-balanced and able to analyse things clearly. I will totally talk to my doctor about the b12! I also completely get what you’re saying about not obsessing about the future. That’s a real issue for me. There’s this fear that if I don’t do the right thing, my life won’t have meaning and I’ll have a heap of regrets. Ouch!
Yeah I think about whether I would like normal. Perhaps we’re just drama queens in the end, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I found a very cool website by another crazy lady in Canada – really great writing – she researches madness and psychiatry and such issues. Really interesting stuff that you might enjoy reading. http://www.practiceofmadness.com/?p=462&cpage=1
So thanks for dropping around and I hope you find peace and balance and everything in between to make life fun.
x
August 28, 2010 at 6:25 pm
Hi Betty
I stumbled across your site while looking for a wig for an 80′s fun day at work. How bizarre! My reason for writing is that I totally relate to everything you have said. I’m er hum 50 ssshhsh don’t tell anyone. I find myself with the pressure of a 16 year son, who I dearly love and a 6 month lhasa apso puppy called Harvey who I also dearly love. Yes I am a drama queen and I have just started a new job where I am the oldest person in the group and we are having an 80′s day at work. Can you imagine the panic that has set in??? 1) all the youngsters don’t know what 80′s is for a start as they missed it…then 2)looking out of place because you have come as Adam Ant and they don’t know who he is (I loved him)..just got the connection… you had Adam Ant on your page. Light bulb moment! I do flit from one thing to another, I started a local community magazine and on my forth issue I decided I couldn’t do it anymore (lack of funds and help). I am a single parent and have been on anti depressants for 6 years. Without them I am ratty with them I am less ratty. No cure, no happy happy person all the time just coping most of the time. Hope I haven’t depressed you, sorry if I have. I just wanted to share a small part of my life with you as I connected with everything you have written.
Take care and I hope you find the balance you are looking for whatever that is and if there is one!
B x
August 29, 2010 at 8:26 pm
Hi Belinda,
Depressed me? Why you’ve brought me joy today. I think the lesson is to just do what comes, right? If the latest idea is to start a magazine and that goes well for a while, then great! Thing is that we’re conditioned to think that if we don’t follow things to “the end”, then we’ve failed… That’s the really hard part. I feel like I want one meaningful thing!
As for your party – go as Adam Ant and if they don’t know who he is (how could they not?!) then tell them to look him up and they’ll never look back. And have fun! Remember that 50-ish is the new 30-ish.
And thanks so much for dropping by.
xb